The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
by MyWishForYou
Summary: “You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.” Set after Back in Black. Ellie is loosing her mind. Sean is confused. They miss each other. They hate each other. They still love each other. Sellie. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Alright, so I'm proud of this fic. First one I've ever posted that is 99.9999 completed (all the chapters done, maybe some more editing needed). Actually, it's the first one I've ever completed (I've got an alter ego out there who's stories were notorious for never being completed. Not gonna say who though. The stories on this name haven't been finished either). **

**I finished this entire story (I have 60 pages on word) in 4 days. I'm proud of it. **

**This is a song fic, with each line being a different chapter. There is going to be 26 chapters, unless I decide to get rid of some. The song is "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New. **

**The characters are Sean and Ellie. Each will have their own chapters, about their thoughts to one and other after Back In Black, and Sean going back to Wasaga. I'm not going to say which chapters are Ellie and which are sean, but you should be able to figure it out easily (there is no pattern, FYI). **

"_**TIME STANDS STILL" AND "BACK IN BLACK" TAKE PLACE IN MID-OCTOBER.**_** According to me, anyway. I mention seasons and months a few times, so this piece of info will help.**

**Warnings: **

**Characters may probably seem a little OOC in some points. But, they are both very messed up, as you will realize as you read.**

**The story is also extremely AU in some parts. Not so much in others. But this is an AU. **

**I also jump about from first person and third person, and present tense and past tense a lot. I do it purposely, sorry if it bugs you.**

**Sorry for that awful long AN, on to the story. **

* * *

Chapter 1: _If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand._

I can't believe what I did.

No, I can believe it. And I don't regret it.

But, shit. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be kicking myself for this one later.

The look on her face after she slammed the passenger door of Jay's car.

Don't let me remember that. Please.

Hurt, sad, confused, mad. Me and her alike.

She's mad at me. Hell, I'm mad at me too.

Who wouldn't be?

If your _mate_ (whom you were sharing a home with) completely blew you off to go live with their _parents_, how would you feel?

Not so good, eh?

I'm an idiot.

God.

My fucking parents?

They treat me like shit.

Why the hell else would I leave to go to Degrassi in grade 7?

Oh yeah.

There's _him_.

Well, he's beside the point.

I shouldn't be here.

I should be with her.

But I don't want to.

I mean… what am I saying!

I love her.

I need to be here though.

And shit, I need to be with her too.

Toronto is where I live.

But Wasaga is my home.

It has been all along.

It's always been the place I run back to.

Why else would I be here?

I need to be here.

But Ellie.

She needs me to be there.

I need me to be there.

Like hell she can survive on her own.

And it's not like she can go back to her mother.

Or anywhere else.

I wonder if she's sad.

Heartbroken?

Or mad.

Or has she forgotten all about me already, and is already hosting a huge party at her new pad?

Hopefully not the latter.

She never was huge on parties anyway.

Or, at least, what I could tell.

She once told me that the only person she would ever dance with was me.

I don't know if she even remembers.

I miss her.

Horribly.

I've called her 6 times in the few hours she's been gone.

She hasn't answered any of them.

Is she mad?

Or is the party's music just too loud?

The battery is dead.

Let's go with that.

Yeah.

We've been out all day.

The battery is dead.

And they're probably not even home yet. So she can't charge it.

Right.

Exactly.

I hope.

She's pissed and I know it.

I've thought of all the things I'll tell her once I talk to her again.

Maybe I'll mail something to her.

Dear Ellie,

I love you.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.

I'm a huge piece of shit.

And I don't deserve you.

But feelings are feelings.

And I love you.

So much.

So fucking much, Ellie.

I'll be back for you.

Don't you forget about me.

We'll live together for another 100 years.

More, if I'm lucky.

_If it makes you less sad, I'll die by your hand_, Ellie

Please forgive me.

I love you.

Love,

Sean, Your boyfriend.

* * *

**Reveiws are liked. I'm finished with all chapters, so depending on how many reviews I get, I'll update more. It's all up to you.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews. **

* * *

Chapter 2: _I hope you find out what you want, I already know what I am._

I don't even know who he is any more.

I wish I could say I do.

But I don't.

We go on a mind forgetting rode trip.

After some freak brought a _gun_ to school.

Should have been some form of therapy.

Not.

I know what therapy feels like.

And this, my darling, isn't it.

I'm gonna need to go to therapy to deal with this therapy.

I'm in the passenger seat.

I'm hanging my arm out of the window.

It's only rolled half down.

I wish the glass was sharp.

Not sanded down and smooth.

I know her hated me for what I did.

But he'd never know.

Because he's in fucking Wasaga with good old mommy and daddy.

That's right, Sean.

Don't face your problems.

Run home.

Ugh.

I know that's where he needs to be but…

Ugh.

I love you, you know.

Thought what we had was special.

(Not to sound soap opera-ish).

I thought you loved me back.

Guess not.

Good going, Ellie.

I'm an idiot.

Ugh.

His fucking parents?

Are they really going to help him?

Soothe him?

My mom wouldn't.

I doubt yours is.

You suck.

Do you get it?

Does he you know me well enough to know I'm mad?

And sad?

Does he care at all?

I'd call him.

But my phone's dead.

And Jay does obviously not want to be disturbed.

He has a death grip on the steering wheel.

Probably is pretending it's your head.

So I can't ask to borrow his.

Emma's in the back seat blubbering like a baby.

I was crying. Silently.

Didn't even realize myself until I touched my face and my hand came back wet and black.

I stopped myself.

Emma asked me why it didn't seem like I cared.

Yeah, Emma, my boyfriend just left me and I'm just _peachy_ with it.

I didn't say that though.

I should have.

But I refuse to talk.

I refuse to do anything but stare out the window.

Feeling the warm air on my hand.

Nonverbally refusing of course.

So I don't know why I even want to get a phone to call him.

I don't really.

Not at all.

I just want to know if he's called me.

Ugh.

I don't know what's going through his mind.

Okay I do.

He's potentially killed someone.

It really wasn't his fault though.

It was Rick's own.

He just needed to get away.

But to his mom and dad?

What's he expecting to happen?

He'll come back to Toronto in a few years all happy and better.

No.

What are you, Sean?

What are you looking for?

Well, Sean.

_I hope you find out what you want. _

_I already know what I am._

A worthless, useless, mental person who can't keep her boyfriend from running home to his parents.

Great.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: _And if it makes you less sad we'll start talking again._

It's been 3 days.

We haven't talked.

I've called.

She's called.

We've never answered each other.

She left a voice mail once.

Once.

She said that she was angry.

But she sounded like she was crying.

Trying not to cry, probably.

No one else would be able to tell she was crying.

But I know her better than that.

I probably know her better than her mother.

Her mother loves her.

But not like how I love her.

Her mother has to love her.

That's what mothers do.

I don't have to love her.

But I do any way.

Stronger than anyone.

I wish she knew that.

I wish she wasn't sad.

I wish we could talk.

Ellie.

_If it makes you less sad we'll start talking again._

I just need you to call me one more time.

I'll answer.

Promise.

Please don't give up on me, El.

I know what you're thinking.

I suck.

And I completely agree with that.

Just, El.

If it makes you less sad.

We'll talk.

It'll help.

Promise.

The last time I heard her voice.

"When are you coming back?"

Confused and hurt.

She sounded different than I ever heard her before.

She made herself look like she had it all together.

But she doesn't.

And I didn't realize until that moment.

I was the one holding her together.

Come on El.

Just one more time.

Call me.

We need to talk again.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:_ You can tell me how vile I already know that I am._

5 days. 3 days without a call.

She didn't listen to my voiceless pleas for her to call.

She's given up on me.

Please El.

Please.

Why are you doing this?

Are you too hurt by me to bother?

I'm an idiot El.

Hear me El.

God.

Why am I doing this?

I'm talking to myself.

She can't hear me.

There's nothing I can do.

She won't answer my calls.

And she won't call.

I would leave a message.

But I know she wouldn't listen.

Couldn't listen.

Is she trying to forget about me?

Or is the party just too loud.

Ellie.

Ellie I love you.

Ellie I miss you.

Ellie, I wish you would think the same about me.

But you probably don't anymore.

Please Ellie.

Call me, Ellie.

I won't sleep.

I won't leave.

I won't let the battery die.

I promise I won't miss the call.

You can say anything.

I don't care.

Let it all out.

_You can tell me how vile I already know that I am. _

There's nothing you can say that I won't agree with.

I gotta be here.

But I wish I don't.

I'm making myself say because I know I have to.

I promise, the only other place I'd ever want to be is with you.

Make fun of me.

Yell.

Scream.

Argue.

I don't care.

I love you.

Call me

We need to talk.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: _I'll grow old and start acting my age. _

I haven't called him in 3 days.

Why bother.

He doesn't want to talk.

Or he would be calling too.

I should just forget about him.

He's worthless.

If we were meant to be together, then he'd be here.

Not 134 kilometers away.

(Not that I looked it up or anything.)

I don't care.

Ugh.

I can tell that to myself as much as I want.

I do care.

A lot.

And it sucks.

He sucks.

I can't seem to move on with my own life.

Marco told me I was acting like a 9 year old.

For holding on to Sean like I am.

Great friend.

So what if I'm acting like a child.

You are too.

You ran home to your parents.

But no one called you childish.

Well, _I'll grow old and start acting my age._

But you'll probably never even be here to see it.

If I completely change my ways, are you gonna come back?

No.

Because you'd never find out.

Because you don't care.

And you're in Wasaga.

I wish you would come back.

I haven't gone to school since you left.

I doubt we're doing anything anyway.

It's pointless to bother.

Are you going to school?

Or are you just going to blow off another year?

The reason you staying in Toronto was so you could graduate. 

Remember that?

Huh?

Do you?

Then why aren't you here?

I can't pay the rent.

Did you consider that?

You were on student welfare.

I'm not.

Remember that?

Remember my mom?

Remember Beuller?

Remember me?

Sean, I hate you.

I hate the way you leave.

I hate the way you told me you were staying.

I hate the way you wanted to stay.

I hate the way you deal with your problems.

It hate the way you left me alone,

And I hate the way you're not calling.

I hate the way I'm stuck in your house that I can't afford.

And I hate the way I have to quote a movie to get my feelings out.

Because, as the line goes, I hate the way I don't hate you.

Not even close.

Not even a little bit.

Not even at all.

Maybe I am acting like a child.

I wish I was a child.

My dad wasn't in the military when I was 9.

And my mom didn't drink as much when I was 9.

But I'm stuck being a goddamned almost-adult.

Alone.

You suck.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: _I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate._

I'm making your life a living hell.

Am I right?

I left you.

And you hate it.

I'm here to change.

To cope.

You wouldn't like me right now.

Even if I was still in Toronto. 

I'm here to protect you from me.

I think.

You hate your life.

I know.

I'll come back for you.

We will live happily ever after.

You won't be mad at me forever.

I hope.

The shooting will be out of our thoughts.

Right when you forgive me, I'll know.

Ellie…

I'll be back.

Different and perfect.

_I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate._

And maybe you won't hate your life so much anymore.

I wish I could tell you not to be sad.

But it's not going to happen.

You refuse to talk.

I think.

I don't know what's going on with you Ellie.

I thought I knew it all about you, Ellie.

I hope you aren't cutting, Ellie.

If I made you hurt yourself…

I don't know what I would do.

I know you can't deal with me leaving.

In order for a person to deal, they have to have a healthy coping mechanism.

Which I know you lack, Ellie.

I wish you knew that you shouldn't hurt yourself over me.

I'm not worth it, Ellie.

If you are cutting, El.

Please stop.

I'm gonna come back, Ellie.

I promise.

Don't forget about me.

But let me go.

For now.

Take it a day at a time.

If you call me you will feel better.

I'm going to bed now.

I hope you're home.

Wherever you are.

I love you.

Don't you forget that...


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: _A crown of gold, a heart that's harder than stone._

I love everything about him.

Except the part that want him in Wasaga.

_A crown of gold _beautiful hair on your head.

Like velvet.

Soft.

I loved it.

I love the way you looked at me.

And even when my emotions were out of control-

Quite like they are now –

You'd still deal with me.

I love you for caring about me.

I don't deserve for you to care.

Although now, it's kind of obvious you don't.

I love the way you were nice to me.

I love the way you helped me.

I'm crazy, and you loved me anyway.

I'm temped to cut.

But you wouldn't want me to.

I loved you for convincing me to stop for good.

I love you for making me listen to you.

I love you for teaching me right and wrong about some things.

You have _a heart that's harder than stone._

But I love you for it.

You have a hard heart.

That goes without saying.

I don't know if much could emotionally hurt you.

But that's okay.

You keep some things to yourself.

But that's okay.

For once you are going to let it out.

So that's good.

You are the king of your own life.

Complete with the heart of a king.

All you care about is yourself.

Am I right?

Or you'd be here with your friends.

And girlfriend.

I don't need you.

And I'm lying.

I need you more than words can express.

I need you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I'm sorry. (Even though I don't know what for)

I hope you're sorry back. (And you should know why you should be)

I'm mad.

I'm sad.

I think I'm going to call you tonight…


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: _And it hurts a whole lot but it's missed when its gone. _

I called you.

I don't know why.

I said "I'm Sad".

And, without letting you answer I reassured you I would cut over you.

And hung up.

And turned off my phone.

And I haven't turned it back on.

This sucks.

You suck.

I'm hurting myself.

Not physically.

I wouldn't lie about that.

And you know it.

But I'm beating myself up in my mind.

I still haven't gone to school.

I just sit here.

Yelling at myself.

I shouldn't do this.

And I know it.

I do it anyway, because I like it.

_And it hurts a whole lot._

I tried to stop, _but it's missed when it's gone. _

I think I'm going crazy.

Even more crazy than I was before.

I was just starting to get better.

You know that?

I'm hurting myself in a new way.

I'm being verbally abused.

By myself.

I can't tell you.

I don't want you to worry.

I don't want you to come back because I made you.

I want to come back because you want to.

Do you want to?

I want you to.

I love you too much for my own good.

I want you to be happy.

I want me to be happy.

But I'm the farthest thing from it.

You should know.

That I love you.

And I miss you.

But I'm mad at you.

I know you would want me to.

So I'm going to school tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: _Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not._

She called me.

She said she was sad.

But she sounded mad.

She told me she wasn't hurting herself.

I think she might have been lying.

I'm going to call her back.

Even though she probably won't answer.

Ellie:

You are too good for me.

Forget about me.

I'm a bad boy.

No good.

You don't need me.

I suck.

I'm dumb.

I left you with a house you can't pay for.

I left you.

I shouldn't have.

Who needs to be with their mom and dad?

After a certain age, that's not normal.

I'm not normal.

Why do you love me?

You shouldn't love me.

There's nothing to love.

I'm scum.

I'm a looser.

I'm worthless.

I'm a retard.

I'm stupid.

If I was twice as smart as I am now, I'd still be stupid.

I'm a failure.

I'm… nothing.

Nothing good is ever going to become of me.

And you love me anyway.

Why Ellie, why?

I'm out of your league.

You can do better.

Do you think I'm all these things?

Why would you date me?

Oh, Ellie.

_Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not. _

No one is ever safe with me Sean Cameron: The Royal Screw-Up around.

Wait, forget the Royal part.

I'm just a plain old screw up.

If you call me any of these things, don't worry.

None of them are a shock to me.

Ellie I love you.

And I want you to love me back.

No matter what I say.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: ReviewsGalore thank you so much for the review you left! I already knew most of the things you told me. Sean is OOC, but that's kinda what the point of the story is... if he didn't care then the point of the fic would be different, y'know? I did have a much easier time with Ellie, and I guess it shows that she's easier for me. **

**It's going to turn into more of a story than chapter after chapter of angst as the time goes on... the ending is basically a story type thing, but in the same format. **

**This chapter is story more than thoughts. **

**But thanks so much!**

Chapter 10: _I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes you can forget._

I pick up the phone.

I put it down.

I pick it up again.

I reluctantly dial her cell phone number.

A number I know all too well.

It rang.

No answer.

The ringing cut over to her voice mail message.

"Hey, you've reached Ellie, leave a message."

She sounded happy then.

It's been so long since I heard her voice happy.

Too long.

"El. Please listen. Hear me out. We need to talk. Please call me back."

I didn't want it to be too long.

If it was, she wouldn't listen.

I was determined to wait forever for her to call.

I don't have much else to do.

I've enrolled in school, but Degrassi has already covered everything they teaching here.

So I'm not going.

Now anyway.

I've only been waiting 5 minutes.

I hear my cell ring.

I pick it up.

Turn it over carefully in my hands.

The words "Ellie" along with a picture of her are printed on the screen.

I fumble to try to open the phone.

I shout her name.

No answer.

I'm afraid she hung up.

I tell her not to hang up.

Since she called me anyway.

She says ok.

I don't know what to say.

"I'm sorry."

Is the only thing that comes out.

I hear her sigh, dramatically.

I can feel it coming even before she speaks.

She's just going to say something sarcastic.

"Well, then, I forgive you." 

The words themselves are great.

But she wasn't serious.

The words were meaningless.

"Ellie just… forget about me, okay? Go on with your own life."

Her voice cracked, "Never."

I heard the familiar click of her ending the call.

She wasn't going to forget about me.

I spoke into the empty phone.

"I love you."

Of course there was no answer.

_I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes you can forget._

I want you to really forgive me.

I hope you really don't forget me.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Sorry, I've been slacking, I missed a day.**

Chapter 11: _You can keep to yourself._

He told me to forget about him.

I told him I wouldn't.

That's it.

He really doesn't care about me.

Okay then.

At least I can't deny it any more.

I know it for a fact.

It's the truth,

And I hate it.

I love him.

He doesn't want me to.

Maybe he'll come around.

You will, Sean.

You'll come back for me.

For now,

_You can keep to yourself. _

Will that help?

I will forget about you.

For the time being.

I know you need to cope.

I know you need to deal.

At least you have a better way to do it than I do.

You'll cope.

And as time moves on, I'll cope.

Right?

And then we'll have a happy ending together.

Married.

With kids.

Happy forever.

Yeah.

Right.

Fat chance.

_You can keep to yourself _forever.

I'm done with you.

I'll go out with someone else.

They won't leave me like you did.

I'll forget about you.

Lies.

I'm not going to deny it.

I miss you.

I love you.

But you suck.

I'll never forget about you.

I could never forget.

Never.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I've been busy... too busy to post. Sorry! **

Chapter 12: _I'll keep out of your way. _

She hates me.

But she doesn't want to forget about me.

Maybe she just needs time.

Maybe she will seriously forgive me.

Maybe I'm bugging her.

Maybe I shouldn't call.

I'm annoying her.

I guess she just needs me to leave her alone.

_I'll keep out of your way. _

Will that help, Ellie?

I'll leave you alone.

Wait for you to come to me.

If that will ever happen.

I'm sure it will.

I don't want you to really forget about me, Ellie.

But it's best for you.

I'm no good.

I hope you know that, I'm not just here in Wasaga for me.

I'm here for you.

Now wouldn't have been a good time to live with Sean Cameron.

Actually, never is probably a "good" time to live with me.

I'm surprised that you stayed…

Even though you didn't really have much of a choice.

I guess I should stop pondering so much about you.

It'll be hard to leave you alone if I don't.

It'll be hard though.

But eventually, I guess I'll move on.

And that will be that.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'll never stop thinking about you.

You're my everything.

And I'm sorry.

I'm gonna force myself to leave you be.

I'll call one more time.

To tell her that I'm sorry.

And I know it's best to stop talking, to let us cope.

Because I love her.

And I wish this whole thing never happened.

And I'm going to miss her.

So freaking much.

And I wish she wasn't so mad.

And I'm sad.

And this sucks.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: _And if it makes you less sad I'll take your pictures all down. _

He told me that he's never going to call me again.

But he still "loves me".

But I think he was lying.

This just confirms my suspicions even more.

We're never going to speak again.

If I can help it we aren't.

He told me he was "sad".

Bull.

So Sean, _if it makes you less sad I'll take your pictures all down. _

I took down all the photos of the two of us that were around.

I would have burned them.

But I figured that if I didn't have some kind of proof, I would think that this was all fake.

And hey, maybe I'll want them later.

But probably not.

Every thing you owned is being put into boxes.

I would sell it if I could.

But I think that might be a felony of some sort.

So I'll just box it up.

Pile it somewhere.

That will be good enough for me.

I'm going to drive myself wild.

If I'm really going to forget about you.

(Even though every one knows I won't).

But that's okay.

You're worth forgetting about.

In order to forget, I have to remember, in a way.

Remember what I'm forgetting about.

So I'll never really forget.

Some part of me wants to forget.

Another wants to me to smack myself for even considering it.

But, really, I'm going to stand with my 'Never'.

I know it's probably unhealthy to be obsessing over you like I am.

But I don't care.

I'm being meticulous with all the things I keep and all the things I don't.

There are certain things I won't get rid of.

There are some things I wouldn't dare to keep.

I can't think of them for sure right now.

I'm numb.

Completely numb.

I haven't cried since he told me to forget about him.

Which, in reality, wasn't that long.

But it feels like forever.

I haven't showed any emotions at all.

I have only been going to school for a few hours at a time.

And not every day.

I don't care how many detentions I built up for skipping.

I'm not going to them.

Marco's been worried.

He's been keeping me in line.

You should be the one here though.

We should be together.

But I know, I know.

(I couldn't forget.)

We aren't.

And it was meant to be.

I wonder what you're doing right now.

I hope you're thinking of me.

I love you.

And I hate you.

But I'm sure you know that.

You can read my mind sometimes.

Could read my mind…

Can.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: _Every picture you paint I will paint myself out._

You liked to paint.

Not many knew that about you.

I'm probably the only one.

You don't open up to many people.

You painted me a lot.

You made me pose.

You told me to humor you when I refused.

I did.

It humored you when I did.

I know it did.

Because you would laugh.

Hard.

But the paintings always came out good.

Better than one could image.

Since "Ellie Nash" and "painting" don't really mix, I was the only one you would paint.

Now that you hate me, _every picture you paint I will paint myself out._

Do you even paint anymore?

Or has that gone away?

Away with your love.

Some times I wish I let Rick shoot Emma.

But then I think, what good would have come of that.

He'd shoot Emma.

Then taunt Toby.

Then shoot him.

Then, he might of thought about being done with other people, and turning the gun on himself.

I'd probably say something to try to get him to stop.

Come to his senses. (Even though the senses had obviously gone with is dignity).

He'd get mad at me.

And shoot me.

Then himself.

So in reality, I did the kid a favor.

And it was better the way it was.

If it could be "better".

One kid injured, and one dead instead of 4 injured and one dead.

If Rick were never born I'd be with you.

So I blame Rick's parents.

Even though, yeah I know.

I should try to put blame on anyone.

It was no one's fault.

It just happened.

That's what you would be telling me, El.

That it would be okay.

But, it's not going to be okay.

I try to tell myself that it will.

It won't.

Keep painting El.

Just keep painting.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: _It's cold as a tomb and its dark in your room when I sneak to your bed to pour salt on your wounds. _

I don't have enough money to pay for the bills.

Incredible huh?

_It's cold as a tomb and its dark in your room when I sneak to your bed to _go tosleep.

I don't want to run up the electricity.

So I haven't been turning the heat on.

I've only been putting the lights on when seriously needed.

So it's dark.

And colder than you can imagine.

Your bed is warm.

That's where I've been spending a lot of my time.

Marco thinks I'm going to get depressed.

I say I'm not going to.

It's not a lie.

Because I already am.

On some days I'm too emotionally drained to do anything.

My grades are down.

But I'm not concerned.

I don't care about anything any more.

I haven't gone to therapy at all since you've been gone.

I know I need to.

But I'm scared.

And I'm not exactly sure why.

I probably have some kind of mental problem now.

A new one anyway.

And it's your fault.

I want to hurt you.

_To pour salt on your wounds. _

You're hurt enough already…

From killing Rick.

And I want you to feel worse.

And understand how I feel.

You don't put salt in wounds to help it.

(At first anyway).

It just burns like hell.

But in the long run, it will make the wound heal.

I want to hurt you now.

But I also want to help.

Ugh.

Another day down without you.

Another how ever many to go.

Have a good night's sleep, Sean.

Because I know I won't.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: _So call it quits or get a grip._

I think I might have to give up.

Go back to Ellie.

She needs me.

I need her.

My parents are great.

But, they've survived 4 years without me.

They don't need me.

But, still, I need them.

Maybe if I get Ellie to come here…

She won't loose her year.

She would be able to just transfer.

And it's not like I'm in a different province.

I'm right here in Ontario. 

Or maybe I should just forget about everything.

Show up at Degrassi for school tomorrow.

She'd be thrilled.

Or even more pissed.

I don't know what I'm doing.

_So call it quits or get a grip._

That's what I have to do.

Quit living with my parents.

Or quit thinking about quitting.

Tough choice.

I think I'm going to have to stay.

I have to.

And Ellie has to deal with that.

She probably is over me anyway.

Burned all my crap that I left around.

And forgotten.

Even though she said she wouldn't.

She has to eventually.

Technically we aren't together any more.

But that doesn't make a difference.

I'm not dating anyone else.

I don't care if she does or not.

I love her enough to trust her with her decision.

I think.

I'll just get a grip.

It's what best for me.

I think.

Oh, Ellie.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I wish you'd understand.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: There was a bit of a time jump here. But not too much. You'll understand. Sorry I've been lazy in updating.**

Chapter 17: You say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed.

It's been almost three months since you left.

Can you believe it?

I can't.

It doesn't seem like it's even been more than one day.

One day with a lot of naps.

I haven't gotten over you.

And it sucks.

I'm the same way I am today as the day you left.

I miss you.

We haven't talked in forever.

I'm starting to forget what your voice sounds like.

If that's possible.

Do you remember mine?

I hope so.

I'm starting to forget you.

And it scares me.

Because I'm not doing it on purpose.

I really don't want to forget you.

All the quirks you had.

Your laugh.

Your smile.

They way you'd sigh and give into me if I told you to do something you didn't want to.

You way your eyes gleamed when you looked at me.

Everything that makes Sean "Sean" is out of my memory.

And I'd do anything to get it back.

I love you.

I miss you.

But I'm still mad at you.

How is this a solution to anything?

You say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed.

It isn't a solution.

Not in my opinion anyway.

But I don't even know you any more.

I hope you wanted to be missed.

Do you like the feeling that I'm miserable?

Or do you not even know.

I spent New Years alone.

There's no reason to celebrate.

I stayed home.

Watching the clock tick down to the last moment of crappy 2004.

Now it's time for crappy 2005.

Yay.

You were gone in 2004, and now you're gone in 2005 too.

I'm starting to think that I don't even want you back.

I don't know how I'll react.

You've changed, and I know it.

Maybe it's better off missing you.

And forgetting you.

Degrassi is fine.

Marco is fine.

Ash is fine.

Craig is bipolar. But fine.

Jay gave Emma a social disease.

Bet you'll care more about Emma when (if) you come back.

My social life is fine.

The personal life isn't.

(But that's your fault).

I've gone back to therapy.

I'm better.

But I'm worse at the same time.

I wish I knew where you are.

I wish I knew who you are.

I still love you.

I think I always will.

It's inevitable.

I still miss you.

I think I always will.

Even if you come back.

I'll miss the old you.

It's inevitable.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: This is going to be my last update for a while unless more people review. Thanks to those 16 lone people who read all the way to last chapter. **

Chapter 18: Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.

You called me.

I think I passed out.

I dropped my phone.

It broke.

Now I need to pay for that too.

Great.

But you still called.

You told me that you were still thinking about me.

And that you still love me.

(That's when I dropped it).

I don't want you to still love me.

It's been 3 months.

And I still love you.

But I'm crazy.

Borderline Personality Disorder or Schizophrenic or something.

(Even though I was never officially diagnosed).

I'm not good enough for you.

You're perfect.

I'm not.

I'm a maniac.

I'm crazy.

I self harm.

(Or used to, anyway.)

I'm bad socially.

I don't let anyone get to know me.

I have secrets, Sean.

I should be able to tell people things.

I don't.

I can't.

I am worthless.

A total of 4 people care about me.

Marco.

Ashley.

My dad.

And apparently, you.

And I don't know why.

I'm… nothing.

I'm a failure.

Nothing good is ever going to become of me.

And you love me anyway.

Why Sean, why?

I'm out of your league.

You can do better.

Do you think I'm all these things?

Why would you date me?

Why do you still love me?

Why do you still care?

Oh, Sean.

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.

No one is ever safe with Eleanor Nash around.

Not anyone.

Not you.

Not even myself.

Especially myself.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: The only thing keeping from updates is all you readers not reviewing. I finished writing all the chapters before I even started posting. **

**Another time jump. We're coming to the end of the story. Chapter 20-26 all take place on the same day. This is in more of a story form, instead of thoughts. But that's all I'm going to say for spoilers. Now, I introduce chapter 19… **

Chapter 19: I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes you can forget.

I'm walking home from school.

The feeling of my black jeans brushing against my skin feels different today.

It's a forgotten feeling.

Instead of the air on those jeans being cold, it's pleasant, an unfamiliar feeling. Warmth.

It's the first warm day since you left.

When you left, the snow began.

The racking, teeth chattering wind. The shivers. The chills.

It's fifty degrees out.

Not really that warm.

But the warmest it has been.

It's the beginning of March.

You left in the middle of October.

Nearly 5 months.

My phone is still broken. But no one calls.

So it doesn't matter.

Sorry if you've tried.

I would answer if I could.

I sit outside on the sidewalk.

I don't go inside.

It's too nice to waste.

It feels great.

I smile.

The first time I've truly smiled since you've been gone.

I giggle.

I don't know how it happened, or when it happened.

But soon enough I'm lying on the sidewalk laughing.

It feels good to laugh.

Almost too good.

I'm getting stares.

And if I roll over I'll be in the street.

But hey, if I get hit, I'll die laughing.

But, the laughter is too good to be true.

I don't know when it happened, but the uncontrollable laughter transitioned to sobs.

Huge black mascara tears streamed down my face.

I feel cold.

I try to control myself.

I can't.

I don't even know why I'm crying.

I mind leads to him.

It's unavoidable.

My thoughts always connect to him somehow.

All of them.

I'm glad that you can forgive me for everything.

You would always just "get" it.

I'm only hoping as time goes you can forget about everything and come home.

I'm only hoping that you're still thinking about coming back home.

I love you.

I'm still crying.

I'm loosing my mind.

I'm going crazy.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: There was another time jump of about a month and a half. We're at the final stretch. All the following chapters take place consecutively. **

**This has turned into more of a story than just thoughts. Here is chapter 20!**

Chapter 20: _You are calm and reposed, let your beauty unfold._

It's April.

6 months to the day since I left.

I'm standing inside your house.

Or, our house.

It used to be mine.

It used to be ours.

It's taking too long.

You should be home from school.

Maybe you're not coming.

Maybe I should just leave.

No. I made it this far.

I have to stay.

I need to wait for you.

I hear you fumbling with your keys.

Crap. I left the door unlocked. She's gonna notice.

You put your keys away.

Hopefully you won't call the cops or something.

You twist the door knob.

Alright Sean. This is it.

You open the door.

You look at me.

You don't do anything.

You nonchalantly shut the door behind you.

Your face is blank.

My breath hitches in my throat.

_You are calm and reposed._

_Let your beauty unfold._

You smile.

The beautiful smile I've been waiting to see since October.

You just shake your head.

In a good way, I hope.

I'm scared to see what you do next.

You don't move an inch.

You squint at me.

As if you're trying to see if I'm really there.

You lean up against the wall forcefully.

As if stopping herself from falling to the floor.

I laugh slightly.

"Oh you think this is funny?" She says.

I nod. "A little bit."

She smiles again.

A little harder.

Still naturally.

It's not forced at all.

I'm hoping that's a good sign.

Maybe she's not mad.

I smile back.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: This takes place directly after the previous chapter. If you don't know, in Sellie's apartment there was a door, followed by a few steps that led to the main level. I don't really like this chapter, but here it is anyway...**

Chapter 21: _Pale white like the skin stretched over your bones._

I can't help but laugh.

You're back.

I take a cautious step toward you.

I take another one, putting my foot on the first stair.

I'm scared.

The next stair.

Maybe more nervous.

I feel as if I'm going to scream and cry and yell and laugh all at the same time.

God, I never thought this day would come.

I can barely believe it's you.

If you didn't talk, I'd think it'd just be a figment of my imagination.

I step down to the floor.

You move suddenly.

I'm jump like a startled puppy back to my starting place by the door.

You put your hands up in mock surrender and take a step back yourself.

I let go a breath I didn't know I was holding.

My heart, which was beating so hard before, slows down.

I relax.

I walk over to the table and sit down.

I don't offer you a seat.

You don't take one.

You stay over by the closet, turning slightly to face me.

You don't say anything.

Your hands are shoved in your pockets, with your shoulders hunched forward a bit.

But we don't loose eye contact.

I take this moment to admire you.

Your hair is longer. And blonder too.

The bright sun on Wasaga Beach must have lightened it.

It's _pale white like the skin stretched over your bones._

Which seems even paler.

If that's possible.

You're wearing normal "Sean" clothes.

I'm wearing normal "Ellie" clothes.

Not much has changed.

Except for "us".

The tension is thick in the room.

The situation is stressful.

Too stressful.

I start to cry.

I'm making a fool out of myself.

From what I can tell through my tears, you look some-what relaxed.

You run your fingers through your hair and walk over to me.

Gently putting an arm on my shoulder, seeing if I would reject it or not.

I wrap my arms around your neck.

"Sean." I breathe through my tears.

"Ellie." He echoes, no louder than me.

"I missed you so much." My crying got a little stronger.

"I missed you too."

* * *

**R-E-V-I-E-W... what does that spell? REVIEW!! (Does weird random cheerleady jumping) **

**Seriously, I'd like to have more than one review this time. Please? Please? PLEASE? **

**I know you're out there. Please? You can be annonymous. **

**Just hit that little button riiiiight down there. **


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22: _Spring keeps you ever close, you are second hand smoke._

I calm myself down.

I don't let go of you.

You don't make me.

"I hate you." I whisper.

"I know." You rub my back soothingly. "Go ahead and hate me. I deserve it."

"Like hell you deserve it."

You laugh slightly, understandingly.

"I'm sorry." I say.

"Shut up. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the sorry one."

I try to argue back, but I stop myself.

I have so many things to say to you.

I want to kill you.

But not now.

I love you so much right now.

I don't want to spoil it.

I pull away from you.

"So now what?" I ask, wiping my eyes. "Are you just going to leave?"

"I transferred back. I'm staying."

_Spring keeps you ever close._

You're staying for spring.

"But I might leave."

You are worthless.

You're dangerous.

_You are second hand smoke._

I start to cry again.

"But that's only if you don't let me stay here with you."

I cry even harder.

Whether they're tears of joy or not, I can't decipher.

You ask me if that's a yes or a no.

I can't answer.

I shrug,

You don't press anything more.

You put your arms lightly around me.

You're shaking.

You're scared.

Just as scared as I am.

"I've been hell without you."

I look down at my feet, twiddling my fingers.

"You have no idea El."

I sigh.

There's something things I need to tell him.

I don't know if I can.

You speak up before me. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Not giving up on me. Like I told you to." Your voice breaks.

You're crying too.

* * *

**REVIEW!! Puh-lease. I only have one faithful reviewer (you know who you are- thanks so much!!) and that's IT.**

**BTW, I already have another story underway that takes place during this one. But that's only if you review. **


	23. Chapter 23

**Only _three_ more chapters... **

Chapter 23:_ You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins._

It's been two hours since I've arrived.

We've just talked.

Mostly about me.

And about what I've been doing.

I know you're too shaken up by my unexpected arrival to say much.

I understand.

You look different.

Your clothes are the same.

You do your make up the same way.

Your hair is still red.

Just a little longer than when I left.

But still, you look different.

_You are so fragile and thin._

Not the hardcore Ellie you used to be.

You look thinner.

I decide not to bring it up.

"Sean."

You start talking, looking nervous.

I nod, letting you continue.

"I didn't let myself get over you."

She pauses.

I keep my eye contact.

"I kinda beat myself up over you."

I sit upright, alarmed.

"Not like that. Mentally. Not physically."

I'm confused.

"I didn't let myself move on."

You're crying again.

Maybe still.

I don't get it.

I try to calm you a little. "It's okay El. I didn't want you to."

"Unhealthily. I was depressed. Up until an hour ago."

You close your eyes.

Waiting for me to judge you.

_Standing trial for your sins._

You don't want to see my reaction.

"It's okay El." I tell you.

There's nothing wrong with what you were doing.

You were dealing the best way you could.

You reopen your eyes, feeling I wasn't going to say anything negative. "I only did it because I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

**REVIEW!! With some cherries on top. Sorry this chapter was so short... if I get THREE reviews I'll post the next chapter today, but if not, you'll have to wait until tomorrow. **

**The next story I'm writing, I'm not sure if I'm going to post yet. I'll have to see how much I like it. It will be similar to this story, taking place during, similar format and using songs. I have like, 15 songs picked out that I can't decide what I want to use, so I'm probably going to do each chapter a different verse of a song instead of a different line. I haven't strated writing, but I am soon. **


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Only 2 chapters after this one. Sad. This takes place directly after the last chapter.**

Chapter 24: _Holding on to yourself the best you can._

You dig your hands into the pockets of your skirt.

"I'm loosing my mind." You say.

"You're not."

"I am."

I don't want to argue with you.

You are holding on to yourself the best you can.

I can tell there is more going on in your mind then you can express.

I understand.

I can tell I made you miserable.

I understand.

I can tell you want to hate me.

I understand.

I can tell you would cut yourself if you didn't try not to.

I don't know the feeling first hand.

But I know when you're upset.

And I know you can't always express all of your feelings.

You generally keep to yourself.

I understand that completely.

You're struggling not to cry.

I missed you so much, Ellie.

So much.

I would have come home sooner.

But I was messed up.

I know I messed you up even more.

But I think you understand.

Maybe you won't admit it.

Maybe you won't show it.

Maybe you don't even know it.

But deep down, you knew I had to be gone.

I put you through 6 months of hell.

But I would have put you through hell if I stayed too.

I'm glad you didn't cut.

I know you worked hard to get over that.

But, I'm sure it was hard to make yourself forget about it.

I am sorry Ellie.

I love you Ellie.

You didn't give up on me.

I'm here.

Don't worry any more.

I'm here.

And I'm staying.

* * *

**Okay, I need help with my next story. I'm using more than one song (more like, 15) and each song gets about 5 chapters. Should I put them all in one story, or separate them and make 15 new stories? I'm really in a rut. I think it would be wayyy too long if I put them all together. Or I could separate the songs from Ellie's POV and Sean's POV and make two new stories. WHAT DO YOU THINK? **

**REVIEW and tell me!! **

**SPOILER: One of the songs (and I'm almost done with it) is THROUGH WITH YOU by MAROON 5. The person who guesses first who's POV it's going to be in and hasn't reviewed more than once before will get the song in the story dedicated to them. But only if you haven't reviewed more than once before. Seriously, all you have to do it type four/five letters. It's really not that hard. You have two choices: Sean or Ellie.**

**Review away, people. Once again - 3 reviews another chapter today. **


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: A fluffy wrap up chapter. 2nd to last one ever. Sad. And I know that I did get three reviews the day I posted last, but I got caught up in something that has kept me very busy.**

Chapter 25: _You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins._

I woke up this morning with you lying beside me.

It's not something I'm used to.

But I love it.

You made me breakfast.

Since I can't cook. (But neither can you.)

But the morning you left, I made you breakfast.

So it was your turn.

And you offered anyway.

I love you.

I'm mad at you.

But I'll get over it.

I'm in love with you too much to hold this grudge.

Today is the first time in a while that I feel good.

I feel like a real person.

You make me feel good, Sean.

I love you.

It is Saturday.

It's dreary outside.

It's going to rain.

I sit in front of your building.

You tell me you will join me soon.

You need to take a shower.

I breathe in deep.

Taking in the before rain smell.

_You are the smell before rain_

Know what the smell before rain is?

Beautiful.

You're beautiful.

But it always rains after.

Trouble always follows you.

But you always come back.

I love you.

_You are the blood in my veins._

I live for you,

I live for your love and to love you.

You're my everything and I love it that way.

You're vital for my life.

I need you to survive.

I love you.

* * *

**My next story is meshing nicely. **

**THROUGH WITH YOU is dedicated to Nicole (Sorry ****HyPerPunnKGRL****, but she was first anyway). It will be from Ellie's POV. It's all done, but right now it's all just straight ramble, not separate chapters. I'm pretty sure I won't disappoint with this. **


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: The last actual chapter, after exactly 6 months of posting this story. It's finally over. I'll have a thank you chapter up later today to say to say good bye to this story. **

**I got choked up while writing this… **

Chapter 26: _You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins._

I love being back.

I know you don't like to cook.

So I offered to make breakfast for you.

I can't cook very well.

But you eat it anyway.

Because you love me.

I think it might have been my turn to make it anyway.

I love you.

You gets ready fast.

You always have.

You don't procrastinate waking up.

The alarm goes off and you're up.

Although it is Saturday.

No alarm needed today.

You pulls on any random outfit you has.

You always end up looking beautiful.

I'm sure it's mindless for you to layer on her dark make-up.

And it doesn't take much to make you hair look beautiful.

Needless to say, I don't need to look "beautiful".

But it takes me longer.

You say you want to take a walk.

I tell you that I need to shower.

You say you'll wait outside.

That you like bad weather.

I'm not surprised.

I step into the bathroom.

All of my shampoos and razors and towels and every thing are still in there.

Exactly how I left them…

I walk outside to see you sitting on the side walk.

You are just looking around.

Sitting.

I love you.

I breathe in deep.

Taking in that before rain smell.

_You are the smell before rain_

The smell before rain is beautiful.

It's amazing.

It's intangible.

It's unexplainably perfect.

You're beautiful, and amazing, and intangible, and unexplainably perfect.

You're beautiful.

Even if it always rains after, it always stops.

There is always a sunny day behind you.

I love you.

_You are the blood in my veins._

I live for you,

I live for your love and to love you.

You're my everything and I love it that way.

You're vital for my life.

I need you to survive.

I love you.

* * *

**That's all folks.**


	27. Chapter 27: Wrap Up

Chapter 27: _Wrap Up_

**Thank you to...**

Brittany.Elyse, HyPerPunnKGRL, Maggie Green, RazorKisses, SElliElOver, StealYourPain, and breathe-in3

... for favoriting this story

**And thank you to**

HyPerPunnKGRL, Lexxie Sparrow, SunKissedFan, The Calendar Girl, brokencheckmarks, handcuffs, ilovebooks26, and lissa x suee

_...for putting this story on their alerts_

**Thank you to...**

antiIRONY, brokencheckmarks, daddys morbid little girl, Lexxie Sparrow, lissa x suee, lizathon, Nicole, RazorKisses, ReviewsGalore, SElliElOver, and The Calendar Girl

_...for reviewing this story._

**And thanks to **MAGRADY03 who had issues reviewing, but informed me she was reading anyway.

**Special Thanks to those who reviewed more than once: **

Chelsey x 3

Rainpath x 5

breathe-in3 x 11

HyPerPunnKGRL x 13

**And extra extra special thanks to **HyPerPunnKGRL for sticking with me until the very very end and sometimes being the only one to review a chapter. You are one of the only reasons I continued posting my chapters up. I cannot express my gratitude more. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Thanks to everyone who read and didn't review as well. Although I wish you would've reviewed... Tell you what, review here, right now, and I'll be a happy camper.

My next story isn't done yet. Hahaha, not even close. My issue isn't with writing, but posting before I'm done writing, and actually getting time to post. The Boy took me only 4 days to finish, but 6 months to post.

**I know it won't be up until school starts again. I know, I know, a long time, but that's when it is going to happen. Maybe not even until later... I have no promises. I have way too little motivation, and way too much stuff to do. SORRY. **

Any title suggestions for the next are greatly helped: There's over a dozen songs I'm using (I might end up cutting it down though), and each song gets a few chapters, instead of 26 like this one, and I think they're all going in the same story. Unless I get totally out of control and decide to expand them and make them stand alone.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I was thinking for titles...

If they all go together, since the first two songs I'm using are Maroon 5 songs, as a spoof on an album title: "Songs About Sean. Songs About Ellie." (As apposed to Songs About Jane).

Or, if they each get their own: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot Series: "Song Title." (Or Just "Song Title" and put in the description: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot Series)

I'm not sure which I like best. Help is greatly appreciated. Titles are very important to me.

Thanks to Chelsey and HyPerPunnKGRL who told me to put it all together, I probably will do that if something else brilliant doesn't come to my head... but I'm setting up a poll to figure it out with the help of you guys. Click on my name and then at the top of the page there will be the poll. Please vote!

I might put up some results and info up as a chapter of this story later, so be on the lookout.

I feel so sad having this story come to an end. Thank you to everyone who read this, and will read this in the future.

THANK YOU.

One final goodbye, until next time,

**- MyWishForYou, aka Micaela. **


	28. Chapter 28: Author's Note

**A/N:** Hey guys, it's me again.

I know I had started pumping all of my readers about the sequel I had planned to put up this September.

And, I'm here to inform you that it is quite likely that it won't happen.

I had written a lot of it – I had almost finished the second song I was using. Then, conveniently, the power went out and I lost all but a few verses of the first song. And when I went to try start over and continue again, I had lost my muse and it felt like a chore to write anything.

I've taken a long break from writing, and I went to try again last week to start again. It hasn't worked. Unless I have some sort of big inspiration, I don't think it is going to happen.

If anyone would like to read that short bit of a chapter I have, send me a PM and maybe your compliments would cheer me up and help me write.

I'm so sorry. I'm terrible at keeping promises, and I know some of you were really excited.

I'd like to thank you all again for reading this story. And if you're just finding this, I suggest you go back to the start and drop me a review after you've read a bit.

I know it's overwhelming reading an entire story, but you don't know how good reviews feel.

Maybe someday I will continue. Hopefully I will find an inspiration, and if not for this story, another one. Maybe even, I'll start to repost this story. There are a bunch of things that I'd like to replace/correct/change etc. I'm so passionate about this story in particular that, at this point, that option is very likely.

Thanks again,

**- MyWishForYou**


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